I Woke Up In a Strange Place....

I opened my eyes and wondered what time it was. I looked over to where the alarm clock should be and saw.......nothing. I reached out for the nightstand and touched.....nothing. I saw a door where there should have been a chair and could see no window where there shouldb have been a window. This wasn't my room, this wasn't even my bed! It took me few moments to orient myself and remember that I was in Ohio, visiting my Mom.

This has happened to most of us before. When we travel, we sometimes wake up and it takes a minute to remember we are not at home. Those first few moments of knowing you are in an unfamiliar place that you should be familiar with are a little disconcerting. Aren't they?

Then it dawned on me.

My Mom must feel this way a lot!

Mom is 80 years old and, by and large, doing pretty well. The Doctors want to do a procedure to clear her carotid arteries, both of them. They have been forthright in warning Mom of the risk, primarily due to the effect of the anesthesia more than anything else. When Mom had open heart surgery over a year ago, it took her 4 weeks to come out from under the anesthesia and there was great concern that she might not have made it at all.

Mom and I talked about the procedure and I left it up to her. "I'm 80 years old and I don't want any more major operations. If it's my time to go, then I want to go." It's hard to support her on this but I do want to let her have her way and make her own decision. She's thinking pretty clearly on this issue but there are other issues looming on the horizon. We've seen this coming for a while. Kelly and I have invited Mom to come to Virginia a number of times but a major move is tough when you're 80 years old. So...she wants to stay in Youngstown as long as she can. I think she deserves that.

Mom is not remembering things very well. Part of this is due to age alone and part is due to poor circulation. She seems to have the big stuff under control, her house is clean and in order, her bills are paid, her meds are in order and she knows her way around town. It's the small, day to day chit chat she struggles with.

"How long are you staying? Would you like to go to church with me tomorrow?" Innocent and valid questions except that this was on a Tuesday. My answer, "Mom, I have to go home tomorrow and there's no church until Sunday, this is Tuesday." "Oh, of course.", she says. All is fine until about 15 minutes later, "How long are you staying? Maybe you would like to go to church......"

Mom has a great social group she hangs out with, going to ladies' clubs 4 times a week and she enjoys herself. I'm happy and thankful for all that. It's good to see her enjoying herself and being vital and energetic. So, the short term memory thing can be startling if you're not ready for it. I love my Mom and I want to be patient and I try to answer every question the way it is asked, as if it has never been asked before.

This battle with the memory will not get better. I want to treat her with kindness, gentleness and patience but it is far more difficult than I thought it would be. I'm, reasonably sure I'm not expressing frustration or impatience with Mom but I have surprised myself with the inner battle that wants to shake her and say something like, "We've talked about this same thing every 15 minutes for the last 4 hours." Even if I lost my self control and allowed that to happen, I would be met with a blank stare and wonderment at why I was so upset at her asking a simple question.

The bottom line is that I am far more human that I would like to admit I am. I get mad inside then I feel guilty for being mad, knowing it's not her fault and she means nothing by her actions. All Mom wants to do is get caught up on things.

As some of you already know, it's not easy to watch your folks slipping over the edge and being unable to help them or reason with them. They look so normal and sound so normal but there's a disconnect somewhere that challenges our image of who our parents should be and how they should act. I keep thinking that I can sit down and explain to her what's happening and she'll understand and then everything will be OK.......but it doesn't work.

I'm beginning to realize that only the grace of the living God can get me through this. Relying on my own strength and wisdom is not going to be enough to provide the care, patience and understanding Mom needs. So, I have to turn to Him and pray that I can surrender my feelings and my desires for her to Him as I minister, in His name, to my Mother. May He have His way with both of us.