If Jack Bauer Became A Pastor

This from Stephen Altrogge over at Blazing Center today:

The other day I was thinking, what if Jack Bauer became a Christian, and then suddenly felt a call to ministry?

What would his church be like? His counseling sessions? Here’s what I think it would be like…

• Counseling sessions would be fast. Really fast. Because he only has two minutes, and you better tell him what’s going on or he’s going to mash your knee with his oversized Bible.

• He would scream the word “now” a lot. As in, “Tell me why you were impatient with your wife. NOW!”

• Every counseling session would end with a confession, because Pastor Jack can pull a confession out of anybody. Even if you didn’t do it.

• In every elders meeting Jack would inform the elders that “he did what he had to”.

• He would answer every theological question the same way: “It’s complicated…”

• He would probably fake his death several times as sermon illustrations.

• Scripture references in sermons would be called “backup”.

• The church would meet in an abandoned warehouse. The ushers would also be snipers and would establish a perimeter around the building.

• At least three times a week Jack would be misunderstood by his congregation and have to go “dark” until he could clear his name.